The men who changed the direction of their relationships weren’t becoming more forceful, and they weren’t disappearing into accommodation either. Most had already tried the obvious approaches: being more flexible, planning dates, reading the books, going to therapy.
What made the difference was quieter than that, and more profound.
They began to see that the issue wasn’t effort or intention. It was orientation. How they showed up inside the relationship, especially when things felt uncertain, tense, or emotionally charged.
Many of these men grew up with mixed expectations about masculinity. Be capable. Hold things together. Don’t create problems. Handle it yourself. Those messages can work well at work. In intimate relationships, they often create confusion about how to stay engaged without controlling or withdrawing.
The men who find their footing here aren’t following a script or adopting a new persona. They’re learning how to take responsibility inside the dynamic while maintaining self-respect and emotional responsibility at the same time.
I’ve spent years studying how that works, why it works, and how to teach it clearly.